Never the Same Again
by allara serasai
Summary: No matter how he slept, he always had the same dream. SLASH AxL
1. grasp

Characters: Aragorn/Legolas  
Rating: PG-13, for one minor reference.

* * *

Legolas sat up. He had just woken up from a dream that kept on haunting him, no matter what he tried to do. Whether he lay on his left, cushioning his head with his elbow, or lay on his back, linking his hands to use as an impromptu pillow, or if his eyes closed of his own accord and he had no choice in sleeping arrangements.

No matter how he slept, he always had the same dream.

Reaching out for something, something, _something_. Something out there, waiting for him. Something out there, waiting to be found. Waiting for Legolas so Legolas could protect him. Waiting so he could protect Legolas.

He always woke with one hand outreached, exactly 11.6 centimeters from his face at an angle of 80 degrees.

It killed him, this nagging feeling. This feeling that something was about to come, that this _something_ was about to be found.

Until one day he met a man, a mortal man. Strider. Aragorn.

Legolas started having new dreams. No more waking up with one hand in front of his face. Rather, underneath the covers, where no one suspected an elf of putting his hands. No more restlessness. Rather, a yearning for something he knew was untouchable but wanted to touch nonetheless, touch with every fiber being so he would know that it was real.

Until one day they weren't dreams anymore.

They were real.  



	2. touch

It was always the softest touch. Whether it was a brush of hands as they passed each other on their journey, or a hand, soothing away the bruises of the day, it was always so soft, so...

So uniquely Legolas in a way that made Aragorn's heart ache. He was promised to another, he wore her token around his neck. She, with her raven hair and eyes colored like the night. She, waiting, giving up everything for him. Even if she weren't waiting, there was another waiting for him, with her arms wide open, waiting to be tamed.

But still...

Aragorn wondered at how soft those silky strands of sunlit hair would feel as he caressed them while Legolas slept beside him. He dreamed of how Legolas would gasp if he pressed a kiss to the small of the Elf's back while softly caressing him _right there_. He wanted his companion in a way that he shouldn't, couldn't ever reveal to anyone, especially the one he wanted the most.

So he just kept quiet, and waited for the next accidental brush of hands, wait for the next scrape that would need tending.

Wait for the softest touch.


	3. feel

Title: Feel  
Characters: Legolas/Aragorn

He never thought he would ever doubt his companion. He had always been steadfast, always true, always _there_. And he didn't know why he was doubting his lover like this, just didn't _know_.

Didn't want to feel either; it hurt when Aragorn turned away when all Legolas wanted to do was sit and talk, whether serious or inconsequential, he didn't care. And it tore at his heart when Aragorn didn't want to take time afterwards to simply rest there and caress him. It felt-

Felt like Aragorn didn't care about him anymore.

And then one day Legolas couldn't take anymore. One day he pulled Aragorn aside. He couldn't stop the words that were bursting out of him, and he wanted to say everything that was on his mind in a calm and steady manner, but all he could do was babble.

"I want out. I don't want to try anymore. I'm sick of it, and I want out." Legolas didn't want to fall to pieces, but he couldn't help it, he was trembling, and Aragorn was looking at him with that confused expression on his face, and he didn't want to feel this unsure, feel this shaky, didn't want to _feel_-

-so he babbled on. "I don't want to try and be friends. I just don't want to try, I just want out."

Legolas sees that Aragorn is about to speak, so he rushes on before he can falter. "You say you care about me, you say that you want me, but you don't, not really, _not really_-"

Aragorn cut in, "How would you know?"

"Because you don't, not anymore. You don't sneak glances my way, you don't wait to walk beside me so you brush your hand against mine, you don't talk to me anymore, you don't stay afterwards, you don't, you just _don't_-" and Legolas chokes up, unable to speak as he can't help it anymore, _I'm falling into pieces, and he doesn't want me, and there's no one to pick me up as I fall, and I don't want to be this insecure, and there's **no one**_-

And then Aragorn is holding Legolas, rocking him as he holds the crying Elf to his chest. His voice is low and rought in Legolas's ear as he begins to speak.

"I know that I don't linger anymore. I know I'm not a good lover anymore. I know I just don't **try** anymore. But I can't help it. I knew what was going to happen in my life. I knew I was going to marry Arwen, I met her when we were children, we were promised long before I met you, and you can't do this to me! You can't make me want you this badly, and make me burn when you're in my arms, you can't make me feel this way, you can't make me _feel_-" Aragorn jerks like he's being pulled by a puppeteer.

"-And I'm so sorry I'm harsh right now, but I can't help it, you're in my arms and you're _crying_ and you're _hurting_ and I don't know how to stop it and it frightens me, and I _don't want to feel this way_, I-" And Aragorn is standing, running away, running away, away from this Elf, this flame, this light, this _feeling_-

-and Legolas is left alone, huddled on the ground, _hurting_ and _terrified_ and _crying_ and _feeling_-

Lost.

_and I don't want to fall to pieces_


	4. hold

Title: hold   
Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas   
A/N: I doubt that a lot of people are going to like this drabble because of what I make the characters do, but I'm basing this off of something that has happened to me in real life. In fact, the beginning of the dialogue in feel was an almost direct copy and paste from an IM conversation. Like I said, I doubt a lot of people will like this, but I feel like it's the most realistic situation. Also, the timing of this is right before Legolas and Aragorn make up in The Two Towers. Just fyi.

* * *

"I'm sorry." 

The words hung between them like a fiery brand.

"I'm sorry," Legolas repeated. His expression was unreadable as he walked towards Aragorn. "I guess I just- I just wanted what we had, and it hurt when you stopped with those gestures that you used to do." Aragorn visibly flinched at his words, but Legolas pressed on.

"I want to say that I just didn't realize that it's a part of who you are, but I think I always knew, subconsciously, at least, that this is who you are." Legolas sighed. "I think I always knew that we'd end up like this." Legolas gave a small laugh, and all Aragorn wanted to do was cradle the Elf in his arms, but _something held him back_. "I've thought about it, and now I realize that I was asking for too much. I wanted you to show me that you want me around. But you're too withdrawn, too private, too far away. I've realized now that it was my mistake. I shouldn't have asked for more, I shouldn't have hoped for more, I-" Here, the confidence that Legolas had been exerting shattered.

And Aragorn saw the broken and _hurting_ shards of the person that he once knew and lo- wanted to be around. And he wanted to cradle Legolas in his arms and soothe away his hurts, put his lover back together to the laughing, smiling Elf he had once been.

But no, something held him back, _something always_ held him back, from touching, kissing, caressing-

_loving_.

The thought stole unbidden to his mind as Legolas had stolen to his bed in the middle of the night so many times.

And he wanted to break past this hold on him. _How he wanted-_

Legolas wrapping his arms around Aragorn, and he was crying-

"Please," he whispered, "don't go away. I'll stop asking, I'll stop bothering you, I'll do whatever you want, just don't go away again."

and he was shaking as he burrowed in Aragorn's arms. Aragorn's arms automatically went around him, forming a barrier between them and the world. His hand twined itself into those silky strands of sunlight.

"I-" Aragorn whispered hoarsely, "I-"

_I just want to hold you_.

-fin-


End file.
